Today

Oh I guess now 'today' means yesterday. Yesterday I went to two exhibitions which I had been anticipating in a big way. David Hockney's A Bigger Picture at the Royal Academy of Arts and David Shrigley's Brain Activity at the Hayward Gallery. I love David Shrigley so much and was laughing in the gallery which was really nice. I spent loads of money (seventeen pounds to me is like a thousand) on a bag and a book and some postcards. The Hockney exhibition didn't really quite live up to my expectations. But I think this is in part my own fault. I hadn't researched and didn't realise that it was only his landscapes. I did really like them, but there was just a real plethora of work, and way too many people. Saying things like 'I could do this.' You could also make your own coffee, but you don't tell the Starbucks servers that. Eh. I really like the way he paints though, his use of colour makes landscapes accessible to me, personally. He made me want to paint. Which is the best feeling. The image is something I'm kind of working on at the moment. Not sure how it's going to turn out. And life is a bit messy at the moment. I feel as though it would be nice to define myself before I can talk to anyone else. I feel as though who I am is just formed from agreeing with other people..which isn't much of an identity. I also need to get a job because today my dad was stressed or had low blood sugar levels and said 'take my bank balance and spend it on drugs and alcohol', and I'd just made him food and tried to be nice to him and it came from nowhere, just because he can't be bothered to deal with his own problems and his diabetes. I feel ill at the thought of depending on someone who thinks so little of me. Which is why it is going to be god-awful going back to sixth form and begging to be able to continue despite failing, and despite failing to hand in work. Tomorrow's going to be awkward. This post is decidedly sullen, nullifying my actual tranquil and somewhat happy state. Whatevs.
www.youtube.com/embed/I33fRHbfOIA

'Do you have someone you can talk to?'

I am worried about an infestation of harlequin ladybirds again this year, and about the week's deadlines. In the car recently my dad asked me if I had anyone I could talk to, if my friends are superficial. I was on my period. I want to die. I don't really but I want to curl up and forget everything I have ever done or said. Everything is so embarrassing and upsetting.

www.youtube.com/embed/UQAPyGzfzfU

Some things last a long time.

I am freezing and in bed with a mug of Darjeeling as the suns sets at 7:42pm and I am thinking about all of the things that I have neglected this weekend. I really want to go to the zoo more desperately than I have ever wanted anything. I can't get out of my many ruts. I would like some more alcohol. Screw that, I need some more alcohol. I think I might ignore my ever-expanding To Do list and watch The Virgin Suicides. I feel really mellow and sad all of the time at the moment. The drawing is of Crystal Renn. Have a good week, putas. x
SOTD: Anthony & The Johnsons- Some Things Last A Long Time
www.youtube.com/embed/EN1Bw8cin7A

It Flew

I spent all morning thinking about sex. I drew this for my mum for Mother's Day because I am skint. I was thinking of writing but then I remembered my brain-dead state. I feel like I've been in a coma for seventeen years. I feel like I have flu in my mind. Corrupted tinged imperfect silence, green. Bile-coloured silence.

With a Vengeance

Do I talk about where this vengeance is rooted, its ugly cause? No. Do I mention the unmentionable, my heart-breaking hiatus? No. (Maybe I should. Otherwise this is a bit too void of meaning.) While you wait for me to make up my mind, listen to this track by The Wave Pictures and enjoy my drawing of some whiskey. Hashtag life problems. I call this piece 'WHAT DRINKING PROBLEM?' I'm just finished reading Sylvia Plath's only novel 'The Bell Jar' and I adore it. I recommend it if you don't find the documenting of suicide attempts upsetting. The last few months of my life have been lost to some fatuous forgettable romance. I leave you with a quote by Gilbert and George, which I came across watching The Culture Show on iplayer.

“But who wants to be happy?
We want to affect, create an affect.
If we’re just lying on the beach with gin and tonics we’re not going to change anything.”
SOTD: The Wave Pictures- It Tastes Like Poison
www.youtube.com/embed/4_DujbC6Yjg

How to be Idle..

(originally meant to be posted on Monday, oops.)
All I've done over the past couple of days is sleep, make desserts and wash up. Here's some tasty help on how to do that.

Chocolate Brownies
What you'll need:
-250g dark chocolate
-200g caster sugar
-three eggs
-125g plain flour
-50g cocoa powder
-200g butter

What you'll need to do:
1) melt the chocolate and butter.
2) whisk the sugar and eggs in a bowl.
3) mix the chocolate mixture into the egg mixture.
4) sieve the flour and cocoa powder into the bowl containing the chocolatey eggy mixture.
5) line a small tray or dish with foil.
6) pour the mixture in and bake for 20-25 minutes at 160°C.

Blackberry Tart
What you'll need:
-blackberries! (I hand picked mine at Banstead Woods, and used enough to fill your average Chinese takeaway container.)
-any jam
(for the pastry)
-200g plain flour
-50g icing sugar
-125g butter
-two egg yolks
-pinch of salt
(for the pastry cream)
-25g plain flour
-50g sugar
-50g butter
-two eggs
-150ml milk
-two capfuls of vanilla essence

What you'll need to do:
1) sift the icing sugar and flour into a bowl and rub in the butter.
2) add the egg yolks to the mixture and bring it together in a ball.
3) sprinkle some flour on the work surface and roll out the dough.
4) grease the dish and line the dish with the pastry. It doesn't matter if it breaks up, just piece it back together. prick with a fork.
5) put foil or paper on top of the pastry and pour on baking beans. (I use rice as an equivalent). put it in the oven at 190°C. (go to step 7 while the pastry cooks).
6) after fifteen minutes, take off the baking beans and put back in for another 4 minutes.
7) while the pasty is cooking, make the pastry cream. start by melting the butter and stirring in the flour and sugar.
8) break in the eggs and beat the mixture until smooth.
9) pour in the milk, stirring constantly.
10) when the sauce gets thick, turn off the heat, whisk until smooth and stir in the vanilla essence. Cook for a further two minutes.
11) once the base and cream have cooled, spoon the pastry cream into the base.
12) add your chosen berries in any pattern you like.
13) melt some jam on the hob with some water to use as a glaze.
14) spoon some over the fruit and put in the fridge to set.


Song of the day: The Wave Pictures- I Shall Be A Ditchdigger. (Well worth clicking the link for.) I'm thinking about making a brief video for this song- it's not even on Youtube yet to the best of my knowledge! It should be!

http://soundcloud.com/acuarela-discos/the-wave-pictures-susan-rode

Tears

I keep crying today. It's acceptable. There's a lot of shit been going down in the past day or so. This blog is so awful. Oh well. I got my prom shoes on Friday (my last day of school ever sort of) and they are B E A U T I F U L. These bad boys are my dream shoes. Yes, I have dream shoes. Don't be judging me. I have my GCSE's right now. I didn't finish my English exam which I'm really pissed off about. I came straight home after the exam because I hate when people ask me about exams I've just taken. I detest that to the highest level, and I can't bare people happily telling the world they think their exam went great. I mean, that's lovely for them, but how about us all who didn't do so swimmingly? It's not so sweet to hear everybody going on about how they aced an exam. Anyway, on the way home I got on this bus and this horrible bus conductor starts being all rude to me.
'Why did you do that! You can see I'm doing something!' she rolled her eyes at me after I bleeped in my oyster card. I roll my eyes at the other passengers on the bus: I'd rounded a corner to get on the bus, my music was in, I couldn't SEE she was doing anything, her fat arse was blocking any available view. I say I couldn't, actually, and apologised.
So I wait patiently and bleep in again after she's walked away. It does that bleep-bleep thing and goes red (it does this when you're card is broken.) 'You've already done it haven't you!' she shouts at me. I walk over to the pole, peeved. 'You could see I was doing something!' she shouts at me again. 'No I couldn't, actually' I say, and she gets right up in my face (?) and tells me that I can get off the bus if I do anything else. I say I'd happily get off the bus right now and she commands the bus driver to open the doors. Once off the wretched thing, the driver shrugs at me, and I shake my head as the bus departs. I'm seriously so sick and tired of people being rude for no good reason. It's disgusting and it makes me feel so depressed. That's not the only reason that today's been emotional. I'm not going to go any further in it, only one person reads my blog anyway, haha. One brilliant person, none the less. David Bowie cheered me up. I want his face on my wall. I've been trying to search through magazines in search of interesting stuff for my wall, but I've found about nothing. Plenty of gorgeous models, but none of bands I like or anything. Maybe I should start buying more magazines. But those things are expensive and pointless. Sorry, this post has been dismal.

Song of the day to cheer y'all up: Summer Camp- Veronica Sawyer. This is fast becoming one of my favourite ever songs.