Future Failure

Here's something out of an impersonal sketchbook. It's the beginnings of a Jenny Saville transcription. That shit cray, what can I say? This is a testament to future failure. I never finish anything. I probably won't die. I'll probably enter a coma and they'll decide one day to turn off the machine. Because I never finish a thing.

Past Trials

Talk about it, talk about it. An ode to Urine Tract Infection. Make a song and dance about your disinterest in your lover, wearing such a perfect guise. You know what you want, but only at The End. At The End you want perfection, you want warmth. You want a man of furniture quality. Steadfast, reliable- always, always there. But for now? Cheap alcohol. Suppression. Confusion.

Enlightenment

Dream that you're drowning, that you don't look back to help your friends.

Find Me

Absence

Maybe I should take up smoking, a skin care routine, quit drinking. Maybe I should get up in the mornings and arrive at places on time and maybe I should take an interest in my family. Maybe I should spend time studying and stop listening to music. Maybe I should start eating meat and wearing jeans. Maybe I should start going to church and listening to the radio.

1998.

 Today felt like 1998 and I feel very anxious. This is a shitty sketch I did in five minutes. I had to draw. I feel really odd. I went to the toilet but still have this quite (seemingly to my conscious mind) unfounded twisted nervous feeling inside me. It's intensity is dwindling at the moment. I don't know what it is. I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad and then as the day progressed my mood followed. The photo I drew from was taken in 1998 and the back reads, "98/99 first boyfriend? Jarek" (or Jareh.) Later an atlas of Europe lay at the foot of the stairs. I don't know what's going on.

Only in Dreams

I dreamt yesterday that I was buying a fountain pen. I could not be less interested in the Diamond Jubilee but my dad has gone and hung flags from windows and stuck bunting onto porches. He's part of the organisation of two parties of celebration. I tell you, he put less money and effort into my Birthday and Christmas combined. (Because obviously, when it comes down to it, this is all about me). This illustration is the sea of your mind and I am sailing in it, leaning over the sides and scooping your brilliance, running my fingers through it, dying of the thirst to absorb your quality.