Realise I Look Suspicious

List:
1) I hate the word 'creme'.
2) I want to learn how to make macaroons. (The posh, colourful ones.) I've never eaten them.
3) I went to the National Gallery the other day and realised that I know nothing about art and I want to know EVERYTHING about art.
4) I wonder why David Hockney was so obsessed with The Sermon of The Mount, why he painted it so many times.
5) I don't understand The Creation of Adam. I like it though.
6) Pritt Stick is really expensive.
7) I want to translate Veni Creator Spiritus.
8) I wonder if there are some people who you will just love unconditionally forever and they will always stay with you even though they live across the world in happiness with their civil partnership and successful career as a music scholar and you never speak to them again.
9) I can't bare the music in films.
10) I love the line "the air hangs heavy but the weight is delicious, glimpsed my image in a window, realised I look suspicious".
11) I really don't like celery or my complexion.
12) I feel like some knowledge is nothing without other knowledge. Who wants an incomplete picture of life?
13) The only reason I got dressed this evening is incase Abby comes home before I go to bed.
14) Formaldehyde.
15) My friends don't like me as much as I like my friends
16) I really like drawing with biro.
17) I am really shit at art.
18) I just want to make you a cup of tea.
19) They used to talk about death when he was seven and he couldn't understand it. You can't visualise death, really.
20) I don't think being relateable is all that really, I think it should be okay to make vile things into art or stories and have kids read it, because who made what is illegal illegal?
21) I want to wash my baby in a bucket.

SOTD: Swans- You're Not Real Girl
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5QfdsrCEuxA

Don't Do Anything Today

I tried to draw a whale today and it turns out that whales are really hard to draw. I saw The Wave Pictures perform four or five songs at Rough Trade East on Tuesday evening and they were really good. I am listening to Long Black Cars for the second time in a row, and it is drawing to a close, and I am aware of my dependency on this music for my current contented state. Many thanks are due. I did the right hand side of this drawing ages ago (a week or two ago) and I didn't know what to do with it so I just transcribed some Degas on the right in green, and added those words, which, incidentally, are taken from a song on The Wave Pictures' new album.
"Baby these are the eyes that will drive you out of your mind."

SOTD: The Wave Pictures- Eskimo Kiss
www.youtube.com/embed/iSp86CBceTE

Today

Oh I guess now 'today' means yesterday. Yesterday I went to two exhibitions which I had been anticipating in a big way. David Hockney's A Bigger Picture at the Royal Academy of Arts and David Shrigley's Brain Activity at the Hayward Gallery. I love David Shrigley so much and was laughing in the gallery which was really nice. I spent loads of money (seventeen pounds to me is like a thousand) on a bag and a book and some postcards. The Hockney exhibition didn't really quite live up to my expectations. But I think this is in part my own fault. I hadn't researched and didn't realise that it was only his landscapes. I did really like them, but there was just a real plethora of work, and way too many people. Saying things like 'I could do this.' You could also make your own coffee, but you don't tell the Starbucks servers that. Eh. I really like the way he paints though, his use of colour makes landscapes accessible to me, personally. He made me want to paint. Which is the best feeling. The image is something I'm kind of working on at the moment. Not sure how it's going to turn out. And life is a bit messy at the moment. I feel as though it would be nice to define myself before I can talk to anyone else. I feel as though who I am is just formed from agreeing with other people..which isn't much of an identity. I also need to get a job because today my dad was stressed or had low blood sugar levels and said 'take my bank balance and spend it on drugs and alcohol', and I'd just made him food and tried to be nice to him and it came from nowhere, just because he can't be bothered to deal with his own problems and his diabetes. I feel ill at the thought of depending on someone who thinks so little of me. Which is why it is going to be god-awful going back to sixth form and begging to be able to continue despite failing, and despite failing to hand in work. Tomorrow's going to be awkward. This post is decidedly sullen, nullifying my actual tranquil and somewhat happy state. Whatevs.
www.youtube.com/embed/I33fRHbfOIA

'Do you have someone you can talk to?'

I am worried about an infestation of harlequin ladybirds again this year, and about the week's deadlines. In the car recently my dad asked me if I had anyone I could talk to, if my friends are superficial. I was on my period. I want to die. I don't really but I want to curl up and forget everything I have ever done or said. Everything is so embarrassing and upsetting.

www.youtube.com/embed/UQAPyGzfzfU

Some things last a long time.

I am freezing and in bed with a mug of Darjeeling as the suns sets at 7:42pm and I am thinking about all of the things that I have neglected this weekend. I really want to go to the zoo more desperately than I have ever wanted anything. I can't get out of my many ruts. I would like some more alcohol. Screw that, I need some more alcohol. I think I might ignore my ever-expanding To Do list and watch The Virgin Suicides. I feel really mellow and sad all of the time at the moment. The drawing is of Crystal Renn. Have a good week, putas. x
SOTD: Anthony & The Johnsons- Some Things Last A Long Time
www.youtube.com/embed/EN1Bw8cin7A

It Flew

I spent all morning thinking about sex. I drew this for my mum for Mother's Day because I am skint. I was thinking of writing but then I remembered my brain-dead state. I feel like I've been in a coma for seventeen years. I feel like I have flu in my mind. Corrupted tinged imperfect silence, green. Bile-coloured silence.

With a Vengeance

Do I talk about where this vengeance is rooted, its ugly cause? No. Do I mention the unmentionable, my heart-breaking hiatus? No. (Maybe I should. Otherwise this is a bit too void of meaning.) While you wait for me to make up my mind, listen to this track by The Wave Pictures and enjoy my drawing of some whiskey. Hashtag life problems. I call this piece 'WHAT DRINKING PROBLEM?' I'm just finished reading Sylvia Plath's only novel 'The Bell Jar' and I adore it. I recommend it if you don't find the documenting of suicide attempts upsetting. The last few months of my life have been lost to some fatuous forgettable romance. I leave you with a quote by Gilbert and George, which I came across watching The Culture Show on iplayer.

“But who wants to be happy?
We want to affect, create an affect.
If we’re just lying on the beach with gin and tonics we’re not going to change anything.”
SOTD: The Wave Pictures- It Tastes Like Poison
www.youtube.com/embed/4_DujbC6Yjg