Everything's Burning: 2012

Monday 30 July 2012

Oh Dear

I think I have that summertime sadness Lana Del Rey was singing about. How sunny does it have to be for me to kill myself, I wonder? Hahaha. Life is a punchline to a joke I didn't want to be told.

Monday 23 July 2012

Today I met my cousins for the first time in ten years and I completely adore one of them in a massive way just because she's really lovely. And I got reprimanded by my father for drinking half a bottle of wine but he offered me the wine so I do not understand the issue and this post has been suitably awful with the worst sketch I've done ever. Urgh life. Just because indeed. Who am I, even? Awful. Inexcusable and shite. Nice to meet you. (This was supposed to be posted on Sunday- fuck you, 00:00)

Friday 20 July 2012

Future Failure

Here's something out of an impersonal sketchbook. It's the beginnings of a Jenny Saville transcription. That shit cray, what can I say? This is a testament to future failure. I never finish anything. I probably won't die. I'll probably enter a coma and they'll decide one day to turn off the machine. Because I never finish a thing.

Monday 16 July 2012

Past Trials

Talk about it, talk about it. An ode to Urine Tract Infection. Make a song and dance about your disinterest in your lover, wearing such a perfect guise. You know what you want, but only at The End. At The End you want perfection, you want warmth. You want a man of furniture quality. Steadfast, reliable- always, always there. But for now? Cheap alcohol. Suppression. Confusion.

Sunday 15 July 2012

Enlightenment

Dream that you're drowning, that you don't look back to help your friends.

Thursday 12 July 2012

Find Me

This is of Sasha Grey, the former porn star. It's unfinished (like me), and flat (not like me). Someone said they'd find me. I doubt that they have. What am I, Jesus? Am I the Way, the Truth, and the Life? I should take up sleep but not yet, not yet.

Monday 9 July 2012

Absence

Maybe I should take up smoking, a skin care routine, quit drinking. Maybe I should get up in the mornings and arrive at places on time and maybe I should take an interest in my family. Maybe I should spend time studying and stop listening to music. Maybe I should start eating meat and wearing jeans. Maybe I should start going to church and listening to the radio.

Monday 4 June 2012

1998.

Today felt like 1998 and I feel very anxious. This is a shitty sketch I did in five minutes. I had to draw. I feel really odd. I went to the toilet but still have this quite (seemingly to my conscious mind) unfounded twisted nervous feeling inside me. It's intensity is dwindling at the moment. I don't know what it is. I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad and then as the day progressed my mood followed. The photo I drew from was taken in 1998 and the back reads, "98/99 first boyfriend? Jarek" (or Jareh.) Later an atlas of Europe lay at the foot of the stairs. I don't know what's going on.

Sunday 3 June 2012

Only in Dreams

I dreamt yesterday that I was buying a fountain pen. I could not be less interested in the Diamond Jubilee but my dad has gone and hung flags from windows and stuck bunting onto porches. He's part of the organisation of two parties of celebration. I tell you, he put less money and effort into my Birthday and Christmas combined. (Because obviously, when it comes down to it, this is all about me). This illustration is the sea of your mind and I am sailing in it, leaning over the sides and scooping your brilliance, running my fingers through it, dying of the thirst to absorb your quality.

Sunday 20 May 2012

Sloth

I wish I could just draw. It's instantly gratifying. I have a real problem with "not eating the marshmallow", that is, I can't wait things out and stick to things to see them out for a greater goal. Maybe I should get a job in manual labour. I just want instant results.

Saturday 19 May 2012

Hey

I can't stop listening to 'really bad' music at the moment. I'm ruining my own reputation with myself. I was looking through my old sketchbooks and at these old self portraits that I did. Thought I'd share. I'm good at that.

Friday 18 May 2012

Sitting on Children

I've just been babysitting and this is what one of the girls drew for me (on request). She told me she wants to go to art college. Feeling all broody. Well, not really. The only reason to reproduce is to make a really really cool kid. Mine would have an incredible taste in music, be a feminist, grade 8 in every available skill, etc. They'd totally become famous poet laureates. D'you see how I went from talking about one kid to multiple? I don't at all want to be having a lot of sex, no.

Tuesday 15 May 2012

1) empty hair dye packet
2) compass
3) harmonica
4) magnetic grizzly bear
5) teeth
6) lavender candles which don't smell of lavender
7) lube
8) screwdrivers from a Christmas cracker
9) clarinet reeds
10) condoms
11) IKEA AAA batteries
12) knot of wires and broken earphones
13) Options hot chocolate sachets
14) a plaster
15) ten and a half paracetamol tablets
16) three first class stamps
17) first birthday balloons
18) spherical speakers
19) Kleenex
20) cocktail umbrellas
21) coal
22) passport
23) crude drawings (hand drawn porn)
24) floppy disk
25) musical ticket
26) broken alarm clock
27) light bulb
28) wind up torch
29) foreign money
30) Vegetarian supplement leaflet
31) a magic bean
32) Olbas inhaler
33) small blue cougar
34) lozenge
35) two plastic birds
36) two stolen hearts
37) Foals badge
38) two empty wallets
39) expired gift and loyalty cards
40) one penny
41) herbal hukka
42) a lonely straw
43) the key to a discarded toolbox
44) biro lid
45) tissue

Monday 14 May 2012

Ever the Enthusiast.

I love Twin Peaks. I spent most of last summer watching the first series. I don't have access to the second. I adore Audrey Horne. I kind of ruined her face here. There's a choice of shitty or unfinished. Do I not spoil you? I definitely am excited to spend this coming summer watching the entire first series and film on repeat. I'm that kind of gal. So some people are going on drinking holidays with their friends this year? I'm staying in town, watching Twin Peaks and getting high off of the excitement of pressing the 'play' button for the fifth time in a day.

Sunday 13 May 2012

Shatterproof

Imagine being as resilient as a shatterproof ruler. You can't, can you? It's much too spectacular. I saw this but with the word 'Rad' on the Facebook page of somebody I don't really like, so naturally, I copied it, with a similarly stupid word. Doesn't it look so street? I'm the next Banksky, middle class people will be discussing me over their couscous any day now.

Saturday 12 May 2012

Listen to the Hairs on Your Arm.

My vandalised, sorry, personalised cover of my little sketchbook. WHSmith thought 'may your dreams take wing' was a cute thing to write on the front of it so I replaced 'dreams' with 'sanity' because hey, I'm not a fucking cliche okay. I definitely am tragic and that is what I aim for. Eurgh, bludgeon me over the head with a football trophy. I am having a fun Saturday evening singing along with Bonnie Tyler. It feels like New Year's Eve all over again. Funny story, that. I can't concentrate on the Right Things, so I'm rubbing out charcoal into diamond shapes. An obvious progression. I'd quite like to go out tonight and drink some rum. I was thinking earlier about how the only thing magazines are good for is ripping up. Also how stupid blogs are, and how I hate bloggers. (I know.) But I mean, really? You have to delight in that nobody cares. The things I hate are the things I love.

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Stephanie Says

I was going to post this beautifully written (do you like my jokes?) post about depression along with a beautifully drawn (do you really LOVE my jokes?) image of a woman with her head in an oven, but then I had to catch a train. I visited my brother's girlfriend this past weekend. "Is it weird that we're going to get married?" I think she said something like this. I like her. Then again, I liked Jesus when I was five, I like Alex from A Clockwork Orange- hell, I like my ex boyfriend's mother's boyfriend. Here is a birthday card I made for my brother, finished earlier this morning. I need to make this blog better. My text tends to repeat itself in terms of phrasing and subject matter- I really am a goldfish. I can't really make it accessible to everyone due to my honest nature in both my writing and drawings. Then again, there's I suppose an extremely slim chance that anyone I talk about would find this, recognise themselves in it, and really really care. I don't know. 'It's so cold in Alaska' is in my head, from the Velvet Underground song, 'Stephanie Says'.

Wednesday 25 April 2012

M.I.A.

I am so lazy that I have traced a pattern from a drain cover. I am about to fail all of my exams and I am still hung up over the most infantile ridiculous things. It's so annoying and stupid and wrong. I HATE caring about things which I know that I shouldn't because it is a complete waste of my energy and time. Also, I have been invited to two events by friends of my ex's and I can't decide whether or not to go because it is obviously probably going to be really awkward and uncomfortable but I can't lose face and I don't want to be That Girl Who Makes Decisions based on some guy. Eurgh. Shoot me. I am the ultimate in teenage girl cliches. Pathetic. SOTD: Arthur Russell- Keeping Up

Friday 20 April 2012

Everything is Futile

This is late. Everything is late. Everything IS futile. I need to get an A. I need to get an A. I need to get lots of As. I need to get off of the internet. I need to sleep. It's all nothing.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Lana Del Hey

So, I really love Lana Del Rey. I like You Can Be The Boss and how it opens with the line "you taste like the fourth of July, malt liquor on your breath, my my, I love you but I don't know why". In other news. Also. Yeah. My life is void of things and events. Today I watched 500 Days of Summer and then got on the bus listening to The Smiths and was feeling all sad and lame. Good..story. If Lana Del Rey was my friend I would definitely like kiss her all the time. She's hot.
SOTD: Lana Del Rey- You Can Be The Boss

Tuesday 10 April 2012

I almost forgot to post. Here's something I made for my friend just for fun. Fun, hm. It's rubbish, obviously. In brackets it says 'LUCY IS THE COW.' I just finished the last of my banoffee hot chocolate. Today I realised that I don't really like Pizza Hut or the way that some girls insist on drawing their eyebrows onto their faces as though they grabbed hold of a permanent marker and got carried away. I also started talking to this guy that I talk to sometimes, which is a bad idea, because it's always about sex and I am completely Not Ready. When will I be, though? It's been two months. Que the violins.
SOTD: The Human League- Don't You Want Me Baby
www.youtube.com/embed/9EHpozHn-QA

Monday 9 April 2012

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

So today's drawing is shit, because I have been really busy doing fuck all today. Also when so you get over wanting to fuck someone's brains out? When does that end?
SOTD: Washed Out- You & I

Sunday 8 April 2012

I Am Petty

I think the drawing says it all, really. I hate lose ends. I want to tie your thin arms around your neck so it can all be neatly finished. Unresolved issues are what have made me into this bitter yellow citrus fruit. If you prick us, do we not bleed? Well, I bleed acid, baby.

Saturday 7 April 2012

Realise I Look Suspicious

List:
1) I hate the word 'creme'.
2) I want to learn how to make macaroons. (The posh, colourful ones.) I've never eaten them.
3) I went to the National Gallery the other day and realised that I know nothing about art and I want to know EVERYTHING about art.
4) I wonder why David Hockney was so obsessed with The Sermon of The Mount, why he painted it so many times.
5) I don't understand The Creation of Adam. I like it though.
6) Pritt Stick is really expensive.
7) I want to translate Veni Creator Spiritus.
8) I wonder if there are some people who you will just love unconditionally forever and they will always stay with you even though they live across the world in happiness with their civil partnership and successful career as a music scholar and you never speak to them again.
9) I can't bare the music in films.
10) I love the line "the air hangs heavy but the weight is delicious, glimpsed my image in a window, realised I look suspicious".
11) I really don't like celery or my complexion.
12) I feel like some knowledge is nothing without other knowledge. Who wants an incomplete picture of life?
13) The only reason I got dressed this evening is incase Abby comes home before I go to bed.
14) Formaldehyde.
15) My friends don't like me as much as I like my friends
16) I really like drawing with biro.
17) I am really shit at art.
18) I just want to make you a cup of tea.
19) They used to talk about death when he was seven and he couldn't understand it. You can't visualise death, really.
20) I don't think being relateable is all that really, I think it should be okay to make vile things into art or stories and have kids read it, because who made what is illegal illegal?
21) I want to wash my baby in a bucket.

SOTD: Swans- You're Not Real Girl
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5QfdsrCEuxA

Friday 6 April 2012

Don't Do Anything Today

I tried to draw a whale today and it turns out that whales are really hard to draw. I saw The Wave Pictures perform four or five songs at Rough Trade East on Tuesday evening and they were really good. I am listening to Long Black Cars for the second time in a row, and it is drawing to a close, and I am aware of my dependency on this music for my current contented state. Many thanks are due. I did the right hand side of this drawing ages ago (a week or two ago) and I didn't know what to do with it so I just transcribed some Degas on the right in green, and added those words, which, incidentally, are taken from a song on The Wave Pictures' new album.
"Baby these are the eyes that will drive you out of your mind."

SOTD: The Wave Pictures- Eskimo Kiss
www.youtube.com/embed/iSp86CBceTE

Thursday 5 April 2012

Today

Oh I guess now 'today' means yesterday. Yesterday I went to two exhibitions which I had been anticipating in a big way. David Hockney's A Bigger Picture at the Royal Academy of Arts and David Shrigley's Brain Activity at the Hayward Gallery. I love David Shrigley so much and was laughing in the gallery which was really nice. I spent loads of money (seventeen pounds to me is like a thousand) on a bag and a book and some postcards. The Hockney exhibition didn't really quite live up to my expectations. But I think this is in part my own fault. I hadn't researched and didn't realise that it was only his landscapes. I did really like them, but there was just a real plethora of work, and way too many people. Saying things like 'I could do this.' You could also make your own coffee, but you don't tell the Starbucks servers that. Eh. I really like the way he paints though, his use of colour makes landscapes accessible to me, personally. He made me want to paint. Which is the best feeling. The image is something I'm kind of working on at the moment. Not sure how it's going to turn out. And life is a bit messy at the moment. I feel as though it would be nice to define myself before I can talk to anyone else. I feel as though who I am is just formed from agreeing with other people..which isn't much of an identity. I also need to get a job because today my dad was stressed or had low blood sugar levels and said 'take my bank balance and spend it on drugs and alcohol', and I'd just made him food and tried to be nice to him and it came from nowhere, just because he can't be bothered to deal with his own problems and his diabetes. I feel ill at the thought of depending on someone who thinks so little of me. Which is why it is going to be god-awful going back to sixth form and begging to be able to continue despite failing, and despite failing to hand in work. Tomorrow's going to be awkward. This post is decidedly sullen, nullifying my actual tranquil and somewhat happy state. Whatevs.
www.youtube.com/embed/I33fRHbfOIA

Monday 26 March 2012

'Do you have someone you can talk to?'

I am worried about an infestation of harlequin ladybirds again this year, and about the week's deadlines. In the car recently my dad asked me if I had anyone I could talk to, if my friends are superficial. I was on my period. I want to die. I don't really but I want to curl up and forget everything I have ever done or said. Everything is so embarrassing and upsetting.

www.youtube.com/embed/UQAPyGzfzfU

Sunday 25 March 2012

Some things last a long time.

I am freezing and in bed with a mug of Darjeeling as the suns sets at 7:42pm and I am thinking about all of the things that I have neglected this weekend. I really want to go to the zoo more desperately than I have ever wanted anything. I can't get out of my many ruts. I would like some more alcohol. Screw that, I need some more alcohol. I think I might ignore my ever-expanding To Do list and watch The Virgin Suicides. I feel really mellow and sad all of the time at the moment. The drawing is of Crystal Renn. Have a good week, putas. x
SOTD: Anthony & The Johnsons- Some Things Last A Long Time
www.youtube.com/embed/EN1Bw8cin7A

Tuesday 20 March 2012

It Flew

I spent all morning thinking about sex. I drew this for my mum for Mother's Day because I am skint. I was thinking of writing but then I remembered my brain-dead state. I feel like I've been in a coma for seventeen years. I feel like I have flu in my mind. Corrupted tinged imperfect silence, green. Bile-coloured silence.

Sunday 11 March 2012

With a Vengeance

Do I talk about where this vengeance is rooted, its ugly cause? No. Do I mention the unmentionable, my heart-breaking hiatus? No. (Maybe I should. Otherwise this is a bit too void of meaning.) While you wait for me to make up my mind, listen to this track by The Wave Pictures and enjoy my drawing of some whiskey. Hashtag life problems. I call this piece 'WHAT DRINKING PROBLEM?' I'm just finished reading Sylvia Plath's only novel 'The Bell Jar' and I adore it. I recommend it if you don't find the documenting of suicide attempts upsetting. The last few months of my life have been lost to some fatuous forgettable romance. I leave you with a quote by Gilbert and George, which I came across watching The Culture Show on iplayer.

“But who wants to be happy?
We want to affect, create an affect.
If we’re just lying on the beach with gin and tonics we’re not going to change anything.”
SOTD: The Wave Pictures- It Tastes Like Poison
www.youtube.com/embed/4_DujbC6Yjg